Bitches.

I know it's been awhile since I've been here, but I'd like to take a moment to talk about bitches. They're fucking everywhere. I used to think that (and this was admittedly misguided) that once you grew up and had kids, you stopped the high school type bitchness. Untrue! Once you become a mom you're exposed to a whole new world; one that is absolutely riddled with mom bitchness.

The new level of frustration you reach as a mom is unlike anything you've ever experienced. I wholly understand the need to let that shit go. Take a bubble bath, go shopping, smoke a cig, get a sitter and go to the bar, eat some ice cream, punch a pillow, kick the dog (juuust kidding). Some bitches, oh some bitches, are unprovoked, self-hating, high school mentality, grade a bitches.

Let me explain.

I take my son to Gymboree. For those of you who don't know what that is, Gymboree is two things. It's a clothing store for kids, and a gym where they have play, music, and art classes for babies and toddlers. It's ridiculously overpriced (my mom guilt made me do it). It is also full of bitches. I'm a young mom, (no shit, huh?) 24 to be exact. I look 20, maybe 21. My son is nearly 3. In 30 something snobby bitch mom minds, I was a teen mom. Something to be despised in the Gymboree mom crew. Oh, and I have a tattoo that's visible when I wear certain types of shirts. Not only did these women whisper (very loudly) about how young I look and how disappointing it is when teenagers have babies and become the debacle that Teen Mom is, but then approached me (in a pack) and began firing criticisms and questions. When I revealed my age, a collective sigh of relief escaped the group. One said "Oh, thank God, I thought you were only 18."  I was trying to rise above, I really, really was. It wasn't until one of them started talking about a study she read in which children born to younger moms don't develop as quickly as others and have I noticed anything like that with my son as he seemed to have a little trouble climbing up that one thing and WHAM! I drop kicked the bitch. Ok, I didn't. But I did tell her about a study that I read about in which children who have judgmental bitches for mothers tend to grow up and be judgmental bitches and also I noticed that little Keegan (what a stupid name) pushed down a black boy so perhaps he has racist tendencies or is exploring his homosexual feelings. Shrug.

Conversations I've had (or overheard) with my son this past week:

*while he was on the potty*
a: I have a penis
me: Yes you do.
a: Like mommy's penis.
me: Uh, mommy doesn't have a penis. Only boys have penises.
a: Like grandma?

I tucked my son in bed then a few minutes later I heard him whispering to himself. I went and stood outside his door to listen and I heard him saying "boobies" and giggling to himself.

*Pointing at a bruise on an apple*
a: Mommy, it's a pimple.
me: No, that's not a pimple.
a: It's a pimple!
me: How do you know what a pimple is?
a: *Points to my face* Pimple there!

Myths about (young) single mothers:

We're all broke - I have a great job, thank you very much.

We're all looking for someone to be our kid's father - I hate this one. My son has a great dad and I'm not looking to attempt to replace him.

Single parent families are broken homes - This couldn't be further from the truth. Between my family and my ex's, there's just too much love for anything to be broken.

We're all on welfare - Well, if you have to be on welfare in this fucking economy where 11% of houses are empty (thanks a lot, housing crash) then more power to you. Thankfully, this isn't true for my family.

We're super easy or reeeeally prude - We are however we were going to be before we became mommies.

We're super moms - This is entirely true; believe every word of it.

Now go kiss your mother.

My best friend is having a baby in June and I was surfing the internet to find something unique to get her. When I was pregnant everyone just got me a bunch of blue shit, so I wanted to get her something better than more pink shit. (Obviously, she's having a girl) Well I made the mistake of googling for such a present and I came upon this website that lists bizarre baby toys and accessories.

For example, your little bundle of joy can be put into a "baby cage"

Or if you're into the whole vampire fad, you can have a baby vampire with the help of this pacifier

Check out the rest: here

So I was taking a walk down memory lane today looking at pictures of my son over the past two years. Now I feel thoroughly depressed at how quickly he's growing. Come, get depressed with me, wont you?

So last week we went to Chuck E Cheese for my son's cousin's 3rd birthday party.  I haven't been there in a loooong time (since my 5th birthday) but I didn't remember that they had those giant, creepy mechanical animals. They're down in the "private party area" and our table was front and center. None of the kids could have fun once those things turned on. My son ate his pizza with one eye on the mechanical Chuck E, like he was going to hop off the stage, jump on our table, and start kicking us all in the face with his metal boots. Well, maybe it was just me thinking that. It was truly creepy.

Beyond that, Chuck E Cheese smells like ASS. I don't know if it's the hundreds of stinky little feet running around or the gross cheese they put on the pizza, or the fact that the ball pit is probably infested with 10 years of leaky diapers and vomit...

Note to self, never go back to Chuck E Cheese.

You clean it up, mommy!

This is my son's favorite phrase these days. *splash* *crash* *boom* followed by "You clean it up, mommy!"

This is what I woke up to the other day:

He woke up, hopped the baby gate in his doorway (which I didn't know he could even do), went into the bathroom, got Daddy's shaving cream, and had a party. The first thing he said to me? "Made a mess! You clean it up, mommy!"